Fallen into Ruin Ch.2

Game: Dragon Age Origins
Characters: Surana, Jowan, Alistair
Spoilers for Mage Origin

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It was a long day's walk to the Circle Tower. We started on our way at dawn, Bann Teagan was in the courtyard to greet us, Isolde had stayed inside. Morrigan stood sulking by the door. She had not taken my decision to leave her here very graciously. I think she understood my concerns over taking an apostate to the Circle, but her curiosity was tangible.

I nodded to her and the Bann, shouldered my staff, and turned to the gates, Alistair and Oghren following, Doug at my side. Alistair still looked vexed with me over our earlier conversation. I decided to ignore him, as there were more pressing matters to consider.

The fact that I was returning home after so long was like a weight that grew heavier as the day progressed. That I had put off the task of going to Kinloch Hold to seek the mages' promise to honor their treaty with the Gray Wardens for so long, was obvious, even to the people who followed me. Alistair had raised his concerns the first time we passed close by on our way to Orzammar. I had simply dismissed him without explanation, much to Morrigan's amusement. And now we were finally on our way, no excuses, no other important tasks that could conveniently postpone this meeting with my past.

I was filled with trepidation. This was my home, the place I had grown up in, filled with people who had cared for me. I should have been excited about seeing them all again. But I had hardened my heart when I had become a Warden. I had resolved to forget the past and to guard my heart more strictly. No more would I be ruled by emotions, no more would I be influenced by feelings. Yesterday, seeing Jowan again, it had broken down my defenses… and it wouldn't happen again. The Circle had abandoned me, and I would go there as a Warden, not a mage.

"Hey… " Alistair interrupted my endless brooding, as the sun hung low in the sky. We were very close to our destination now. "How are you holding up?"

"What are you talking about. A bit of walking never hurt anyone." How did he do that? How did he know? He was giving me that look again, as if he just knew what was troubling me. I felt the heat rise up my cheeks.

"I don't know, eh? I remember you complaining quite a bit when we first started traipsing around Ferelden." he teased, catching up to walk next to me. "To be serious though, I'm not stupid, I know you avoided coming back here so far. Are you really okay with this? What is it that bothers you so much? Did you hate it here?"

"No! Its not like that! Its just… Let's just say I'm not expecting a warm welcome. The whole thing with Jowan… they would not have shown me much mercy if Duncan had not intervened. In a way I was not in a much better situation than Daveth was."

"I had no idea… I'm sorry, Illya."

"What for? You didn't do anything." I smiled sadly at him. He grinned sheepishly at me, and then seemed to remember himself.

"Well, you didn't kill somebody, did you? Or are you secretly a blood-mage too?" He teased once again. His words had the opposite effect on me, though, as I was suddenly irritated.

"And what if I was? Would it change our relationship? Would I no longer be welcome to stop the Blight with you? Would you suddenly feel the need to kill me on the spot?" I bit back, with a bit more venom than was necessary.

Alistair stopped walking, stunned. He looked like a kicked puppy. I regretted my words, but I still wanted to know the answers, so I said nothing, eying him expectantly.

"Illya… blood magic is wrong. It is against everything the Chantry teaches…"

"Ugh!" I screeched, interrupting him. "This is from our same beloved Chantry that locks up innocent children in a tower, simply for having talents they did not choose, for crimes they could, maybe, possibly, some day commit! Very just, Alistair. Very just."

And with that I stomped of down the path to the Lake Calenhad.

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I was too tired to argue with Templar Carroll at the docks, so we braved the smelly common room of the Spoiled Princess for the night. Oghren was chugging down pints, as was to be expected, and Doug was wrestling a large bone under our table. Alistair was nowhere to be seen though, and I was worried. I could not understand my behavior toward him of late. He had never been anything but sweet to me and yet, I was as likely to blush at his compliments as to snap at them.

This whole blood mage thing had me feeling constantly edgy. Never in my life had I even considered it, and now it seemed to haunt my thoughts constantly. I seriously began to doubt the Chantry, and even the intentions of the Maker. Why did they so fanatically teach us that blood magic was wrong? So a lot of people have used it for evil, but one could use any random spell for evil right? The spells themselves could not make you evil. And as for malevolent Fade spirits manipulating you, well that could happen with anyone, right? Or was I just trying to convince myself that it was so for Jowan's sake?

Either way, I needed to stop agonizing about it and talk to Alistair. It was awful not knowing if he was mad at me, or even if he was beginning to doubt my leadership. I hoped I would not have to choose between him and Jowan. I did not know what I would do if it came to that.

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The next morning I found him standing outside the tavern, staring at Kinloch Hold in the still-red sunlight. He glanced at me as I came to stand next to him, but focused his gaze on the Tower again.

"Hey." I said.

"Hey." he replied. I shuffled my feet, hoping he would say something more, but he seemed content with ignoring me.

"Listen, I wanted to apologize for earlier… I don't know what's wrong with me, but the lines between right and wrong seem a bit blurry when someone you care for is involved, you know what I mean? But I was wrong to snap at you. Please forgive me…?"

"Oh Illya, " Alistair almost sighed, " you know I can't stay angry with you. I never was, really. I'm just worried about you. You've just been a bit… emotional, and I guess I'm just not used to it. Sorry."

"I must admit, its been worrying me too. " I smiled, "I'll try not to do it again?"

"Hey, no way. Even though it weirds me out, you can't just pretend to be a feelingless statue, when we all know you aren't. I'm on to you now!" he winked at me, back to his teasing ways again.

"We have a world to save, good Ser. I don't have time for this silliness." I replied with an arched eyebrow and syrupy tone. "Now then, enough of this tomfoolery. Go get Oghren and Doug. I'll handle the Templar Uppity-pants."